There are certain scenarios that are NIGHTMARES for many of us with scoliosis! These things unite us, connect us, and help us know that we're not alone.
Growing up, none of my friends had scoliosis. I was too embarrassed to talk about what I was going through. I was afraid of what others would think. So, I hid for a LONG time, until about a year ago. That's when I found an exercise based treatment program specifically designed for scoliosis and as a result many of my NIGHTMARES were transformed into DREAMS. Here I am today extremely thankful and changed, but one thing is for sure - I'll NEVER forget the NIGHTMARES!! Even though mine have disappeared, for others it is still very much a reality and my heart feels it! I wish I had an answer - an answer to make everyone's pain go away. What I do have is HOPE, and I'll spread it around by sharing my NIGHTMARES and how I escaped them! So, here it is--------My NIGHTMARE before Treatment!
(Note: These are not listed in any particular order - they all just suck!☺☺)
#1)
All of us have to make our way to the salon at some point, unless you have the (too risky for me) flowbee haircutting system, a professional hair stylist in the family, or you're one of the brave and talented who can cut your own hair. Some people get nervous while sitting in a dentist chair, for me it was definitely a salon chair. What I always hated about salon visits was this - no matter how much work I put into concealing my back, that cape exposed my uneven shoulders every time! I would try my hardest to sit up straight in hopes that the stylist wouldn't notice, but I don't think it helped. A few times stylists questioned the position in which I was sitting while trying to get an even cut. I didn't want anyone to notice or ask questions, so this was always a nerve-racking experience.
#2)
Oh my goodness - every time I showed up for an event and saw this type of seating I was mortified. First of all, there's absolutely no back to these ridiculous seats. Because there is no back, I felt exposed and very uncomfortable. I tried to sit up straight so that those behind me wouldn't notice my rib hump, but it was painful and I don't think it helped much. When possible I would sit on the cold concrete step and lean my back against the seat of the bleacher; other times my husband would wrap his arms around me and I'd lean on him for support. Regardless, I knew I was in for a long, uncomfortable, and painful few hours.
#3)
I avoided every situation that required me to bend over in public! Bending forward revealed my rib hump big time! The picture above was recently taken for this blog, so doesn't demonstrate what my rib hump was like before treatment. I was always so careful and tried planning ahead, but was totally caught off guard when signing up for a college karate class. Class began and the teacher had us stand in rows (I was in the middle of the group) and led us through stretches. I had to bend over with people behind me ---- it might not seem like a big deal to some people, but I was absolutely horrified -- FREAKING OUT! Then I had a realization that I would have to repeat this every week for an entire semester!! I devised a plan fast! I purchased several men's oversized t-shirts and strategically began placing myself in the last row of class so no one was behind me. It was a job, but I made it through the semester. Here's a picture showing my rib hump before treatment and what my back looks like now -- LIFE CHANGING!!!!!!
#4)
Before treatment I experienced pain surrounding my right shoulder blade. During chores I would often have to stop after awhile because of the pain. It limited me, and I'm not a person who likes limits!! Often times I'd end up on the couch wrapped around a heating pad for the remainder of the day with severe pain. Recently, I was on vacation and painted my kitchen/dining room. I'd been painting for about 9 hours when it hit me ---- I didn't have any pain. That was an exciting moment!
#5)
My activities were limited by pain and/or self-consciousness. I love adventure and experiencing new things, so would often push through the pain and regret it later. Sometimes I'd decline invitations for activities that I thought would expose my back. Maybe I should have purchased a shirt like my dad owns that says, "I have a million excuses, which one do you want to hear today?" (LOL)! Now ---- this is a
NON-ISSUE!
#6)
Shopping - was awful!!!! I love shopping, but finding clothes to fit properly and conceal my rib hump was an absolute
NIGHTMARE! Most clothes made me feel awful. I'd try piles of clothes on, but many times left with nothing. I often settled for clothes because of the way they fit not because I liked them. It was emotionally exhausting and depressing! Shopping online - I couldn't do that either! Many times the back of a shirt isn't pictured, so it's hard to judge how it will fit.
My shopping trips are much happier these days - the picture above is of a dress I recently purchased that I never would have worn before. In the past my rib hump would have been very evident in this dress, but today it's barely noticeable. See pictures below of me in this form fitting dress today.
#7)
The beach is one of my favorite places, but for someone hiding their back - it can be a scary place! I wouldn't wear a swim suit. I was never able to find a swimsuit to cover up the deformity in my back. I tried which required hours upon hours of searching, but it didn't happen. I went to Hawaii once and found a swim suit that I thought I'd be brave enough to wear---two years later it still had the tags attached. I'd wear a sports top and shorts.
Last summer I wore the swimsuit I bought for Hawaii for the first time. It was such a wonderful feeling of freedom! This year I'll be shopping for a swimsuit for the first time with excitement, instead of dread!
#8)
I hated when people were behind me. I was afraid they were staring at my back and wondering what was wrong with me. This stemmed from a situation that happened years before.
Someone I knew began
balling her eyes out – tears were flowing heavily down her cheeks. As she sobbed, she leaned forward and asked
me the dreaded question, “What is wrong with your back?” I
wanted to shrink down and disappear! I
could feel every shade of embarrassment displayed on my face, but all I could
do was sit there while she continued crying.
Until that moment I had never looked at my back in the mirror. I wasn’t aware of the horrible gift that time
had delivered, but that day I went home and looked. I knew
I had scoliosis, but this was the first time I became “aware” of it – and every
day from that day on - I was aware of it!
#9)
I didn't mind photos as long as they weren't of my back or my profile from the right side. Any pictures in my possession like that were shredded and tossed because they made me feel bad about myself. I got to a point that I vowed to get rid of anything that made me feel bad; I was just SO tired of feeling that way. I took one picture of my back many years ago that I referenced during prayer (the tears just started flowing while thinking about this). I prayed for so long for a miracle, a new treatment, something, but as the years went by it got harder to believe and I tore it up. "AND THEN" 27 years after my diagnosis I got an answer - a new treatment opened in my area. Thinking back I believe my prayer was answered long ago when I first prayed. I believe individuals were chosen to change the face of scoliosis treatment and many patients lives. The ones chosen were in school learning and developing at that time, and I had to wait for them to prepare for this adventure - "Their Calling". Sometimes I wonder why I had to go through everything that I did and here's what I conclude - It's the ones that have gone through the struggle that are most often used to help others through it. That's my perspective on that!☺☺
#10)
Having to change clothes in front of peers or strangers distressed me. I worked hard to wear clothes to hide my back, I sure didn't want to uncover what I was hiding in a locker room full of people. I did what I had to do and turned my back away from everyone. I changed clothes so fast you would have thought I was Supergirl. I wasn't playing around!!
#11)
My ultimate goal every single day was to fool everyone around me and myself - which involved carefully selecting an outfit each day, putting it on, staring in a full length mirror backwards through another mirror, and viewing my profile in every direction to make sure no one could see my protruding shoulder. I never left the house without checking my profile in every direction to make sure my rib hump was concealed. This was a source of many tears. It was so hard!! The only way I could walk out the door confident was feeling like my back was hidden. I did not want people staring at me, or asking me questions. I didn't want anyone to know. I was constantly on guard. If I sensed that anyone could tell I would breakdown.
In Conclusion:
I was looking for help and I finally found it!
Thanks for reading about my NIGHTMARES. I mentioned earlier that many of my nightmares have been transformed into dreams. My life has truly been completely changed! I'm extremely "OVER THE TOP" thankful for the difference. I desire for others to have this same experience. I dream of helping others do that. There is hope to be found --- I've experienced it!
Have a GREAT day!!
Locker Room Picture: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0
Jack Skellington Picture: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0
